[svlug] In regards to e-communications on SVLUG

K Sandoval indigo.kai at gmail.com
Sun Jan 27 19:27:49 PST 2008

In regards to e-communications, I have a request in regards to SVLUG
list communications.

I know that this email does not apply to probably 95% of the
recipients of the SVLUG list. However this topic is relevant to the
current SVLUG environment and as a member I feel this needs saying.

If you are involved in current SVLUG turmoil please stop and take a
moment and ask why? (and this goes especially for those who consider
themselves in a leadership position.  Leadership includes the word
"Lead" as in Lead by example in your own actions and behaviors.)

Is there something in your style of communication or how you handle
yourself that is contributing to the current turmoil?

Do you have an abuse problem?  Go back through your emails and ASK YOURSELF...
Are those around you identifying your communication style in any one
of the following ways?
Do people say you uses Name Calling?
Do people say you engage in the game of one upmanship?
Do you feel "defeated" if people do not agree with you?
Do you put people with other opinions or views down or belittle them
just because they do not agree with your point of view?
Do  you ALWAYS need to "top" the conversation?
Do  you ALWAYS need to counter with the phrase "but you did..."?
Do  people say you are "manipulative"?
Do  people say you are "overly critical"?
Do  people say you are "intimidating"?
Do  people say they feel you are "invalidating" their feelings?

A lot of abusive behaviors are ingrained, they may have been part of
your personality and coping mechanism since childhood, and they are
difficult not just to recognize, but also to crack. Nobody else can do
that for you, you have to take responsibility for your actions
yourself - fully. This means recognizing when you are saying something
hurtful or doing something harmful to your partner; learning to
recognize your reactions within yourself, how you feel when you get
wound up, how you feel after an abusive episode; the thoughts and
excuses you make to yourself to allow you to deny you are really doing
anything wrong.

Ask yourself some of these questions:
do you regularly vent your frustration on the people around you?
do you tell yourself that the other person is overreacting to 'being told off'?
do you tell the other person they are 'making a fuss about nothing' or
'making a mountain out of molehill'?
do you tell yourself what you do is not that bad, so-and-so would be far worse?
do you think that if the other person just didn't 'wind you up on
purpose' then the abuse would not happen?
do you tell yourself that the other person deserved the abuse, coz
they are not perfect either?
do you tell yourself that coz you only get nasty when you are drunk,
it isn't really the same as if you were really abusive?

If you answered YES to any of the above, you may still not be taking
full responsibility for your actions. It may be a good idea to discuss
the abuse, your feelings about it and attitudes towards your partner
with a third person, preferably someone not involved with either of
you, such as a counselor or helpline volunteer.

Frequently Verbal and/or Physical Violence is related to alcohol or
drug abuse. It is easy to turn around and 'blame' the drink for the
abuse, telling yourself that you really don't want to be nasty, but
that when you are drunk, you just don't realize what you are doing. I
am sorry, but this in itself is another form of denial and
blame-shifting. If you know that you get violent or nasty when you
drink, or that there is a risk that you will, why do you continue
drinking, and putting the people around you at risk? If you are
serious about wanting to change your abusive tendencies, then the
first thing you will do is deal with your alcohol or drug addiction,
and then you will be free to deal with the underlying issues within
yourself which 'allow' you to turn violent or nasty while either drunk
or on drugs.

Links and Helplines which may be useful:
A website created and maintained by an ex-abuser. Very descriptive
pages on the cycle of abuse especially; his feelings and denial; 'his'
and 'her' stories - a MUST READ for anyone who is concerned that they
may be abusive!



To the remaining 95% of the SVLUG members....

The greatest problem with an abusers is that they usually do not know
they are out of control. They look around and make comparisons, with
other abusers, and argue that they are normal. These people need
objective and honest feedback on their behavior. Motivation of a
skilled counselor and the support of family and friends can help him
realize the situation. The process that helps an abuser recognize the
gravity of his problem is called intervention.

You cannot force an abuser, under most circumstances, to undergo
treatment. At the same time, you cannot afford things getting worse.
Experts suggest many ways to overcome this dilemma, like training
ourselves to stop protecting the abuser from the consequences of his
behavior and leaving him no choice but to seek treatment.

The following questions are designed to help you decide whether or not
your actions and reactions to the abuser might be enabling.

How to Stop Enabling.

Enabling - When 'Helping' Doesn't Really Help

My positive recommendation is that if you might be interested in a
different way of approaching communicating, here is one suggestion.

Nonviolent communication is . . . ?
Nonviolent Communication is a clear and effective model for
communicating in a way that is cooperative, conscious, and

And I found the following web pages informative.

returning to lurker mode....
- Kai

Ms.Kai Sandoval


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